Hazel Smut Crunch

Number: Bake 350
Status: Active

Bio: A domestic diva tormented by the feminine mystique, Hazel loves the combination of girliness and feminism that permeates roller derby. Though she could barely skate when she stumbled onto the track for the first time, the ladies of NHRD encouraged her and have finally convinced her that you don't have to be able to walk and chew gum to play derby, you just have to learn to fall small. Which she does. A lot. When Hazel's not skating or knitting, you'll find her in the kitchen cooking up some trouble.

Idols: Emily Post, Betty Crocker, Rosie the Riveter.  

What makes her happy: Perfectly baked cakes, fabulous shoes, prompt RSVPs, polite dinner guests.

What makes her angry: Catty women who try to steal her recipes--or her man. Inefficiency. Climate change. Ruined baked goods.  

Sign: Scorpio, all the way.

Secret derby superpower: It's secret. But she does bake a mean derby pie.

Favorite song: “Hungry For Love” by Patsy Cline.

Vices: The Mister, pin-up art, derby.

Derby wife: She's proposed to Bad Ass Mama, but Mama's not ready to settle down just yet.

Next time you're at the bar grab her a: Mai Tai, vodka tonic with extra lime or a big glass of whisky

Speaking of drinks, one time when she was inebriated she: walked three blocks carrying a tray of Jell-o shots in broad daylight.

Favorite thing about Roller Derby: The energy, the way her ass feels the day after skating.