Yes, I am a blogging slacker. I have 50% of a post all about names (choosing, wishing, disappointment and real ones) for you to read… if I ever finish it. I did research, but you know what? It turned into work, so I set it aside.
I also have become super busy with… well… skating!
Training for an A-team is hard work and requires a lot of time. In the past, I had more time to spend on other things… this year is different. Why? I want more.

How about we talk about track psychology, and getting out of your own head?
“I cannot believe I did that. That was so bad/dumb/awful.”
“Wow, I looked horrible out there.”
“I was useless, why am I even here?”
“I cannot do it, I will never get it.”

Everyone has this happen at one time or another, of that I am sure. I find it truly hard to believe anyone goes through a sports career (pro or other) thinking “I am the greatest ever and everything I do is wonderful.” Anyone who thinks like that may have mental deficiency and is probably a true-to-life-diagnosable narcissist.

So, how do I or you or anyone get over this? What should we do to get around this mental block?

Photo By Jules Doyle

Well, I can tell you, right now I am experiencing just that. I am in my head going over all the things I did wrong and everything that went wrong that caused a wrong action and caused me to fall out of a drill. Every time I close my eyes, I feel the pain, I see the fall from the outside, I see myself clumsily struggle to regain my feet.

So, what am I not seeing?

I am not seeing that regardless of the pain I felt, I got back up. And I pushed, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried. Eventually, physical pain will get the better of anyone, though.

And now, I am working on getting over this.

Step One:
Stop beating yourself up. Seriously! We can keep saying how we did something wrong, and how bad it is, and it will never get better. As soon as we stop seeing what went wrong, we can see what went right.
My example from the practice: I spoke to coaches, we found the problem, and this week we are fixing my skates to get rid of the pain I have had for a while.

Step Two:
Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, we all will mess up at some time. And now, it is time to say “Hey, I messed up, and now I need to move on. Sorry self. I forgive you, self” (Yes, sometimes I talk to myself like that)

Step Three:
Visualize what you did right. Yes! You did something right before or after you did something that set you back mentally.

Step Four (The Final Step and the Hardest Step):
Change the way you think. From now on, instead of saying “Oh, I did that wrong!” say “Next time I will do it better, and I will master it.”
The hardest thing to stop saying is “can’t”. Well, as soon as you do, you will see you can. I am doing this right now. By typing out this post, I am thinking “Next week, next Sunday… I am going to do this drill, I will not fuck it up, and I will skate harder and faster. Because I already know I can.”

I recommend now, for any new athlete or seasoned players, a book. It is called The Mind Gym: An Athlete’s Guide to Inner Excellence. If you have read it already, read it again. If you have never heard of it until now, pick it up.
This book is not about how to train, it is about how to think. And really, these are lessons you can take with you anywhere and use any time.

Some other day, I may present you with a post about Names and the fun (and sometimes horror) of choosing one for Derby. And, I may come back to the Psychology of Sports, as it is something that fascinates me. For now… take these simple steps, and see where they take you.

I’M A MELTDOWN! I’M A MELTDOWN! I’M A MELTDOWN! DID A MENTION THAT I’M A MELTDOWN?! I’m proud to be one of the newest skaters of the NHRD Seabrook Meltdowns. The first bout that I went to see was actually a Meltdown bout. I watched the team like a hawk. Maneuvering around their opponents, communicating to one another and just working as a team. I even said to myself “I could never be on that team. I’m not that good at skating”. After a lot of work and dedication, I did! I am a official skater for New Hampshire Roller Derby. Not only that, I’M A SEABROOK MELTDOWN!

It all started with when I took part as a NHRD NSO. After not making the cut back in January 2011, I still wanted to be a part of this amazing league. Woody Yankabitch, one of NHRD’s finest refs, was the one that approached me about taking advantage of this opportunity. I NSOed for a year and had a blast! I learned about penalties, score keeping, and even gained a bit knowledge about how the game is played. I was able to attend all practices too. There I skated on the outside of the track being a little fan girl. I watched and admired every single woman out on that track. Being able to get skating time in, I was able to build my confidence little by little. I just kept telling myself that will be me next year, I can do it!

After a season of NSOing, it was time for FRESHMEAT BOOTCAMP AND TRAINING! I feel that I had an advantage in freshmeat bootcamp. In bootcamp, we focused on basic skating skills. We covered all level 1 skills and were even shown some level 2 skills that night. I was introduced to all this when I tried out last year. I kept all those skills in my regular skating routines. Whenever I attended league/team practices as a NSO, I was on the side lines practicing the skills that I learned back in the 2011 tryouts. Now, freshmeat training.. that’s a different story. Captains and trainers from different teams crammed in as much training as they could into 2 months. It was intense but I loved it. Some practices came easier to me and some were personally tough. All in all partaking in both bootcamp and training were extremely beneficial for my skating career.

A year has come and gone and look at me now! I have NSOing under my belt. I was able to drink in new skating skills, and a few beers. I joined in on 2012 tryouts and MADE IT! This will be my rookie year as a Seabrook Meltdown for NHRD. I still have a lot ahead of me, a lot to learn and a lot to accomplish. I’m super excited for this year and I’m ready for every challenge coming my way. Oh yeah, did you hear the great news?! I’M A MELTDOWN!

I have a five-year-old daughter.  I’ll call her Neo.  Her definition of a grown-up is someone who can eat candy for breakfast if they want.  Based on this definition, she knows she is not a grown-up.

The other week we had an incident at practice where we discovered we were out of instant ice packs in the first aid kit.  I couldn’t ref at the next practice because my husband is taking a class at night, but I decided to take Neo to buy some ice packs to replenish the kit and bring them to practice.  Neo bounced up and down at the check-out line telling the clerk, “We’re buying ice packs for Mommy’s derby girls!  Sometimes they get hurt, so she’s buying them ice packs!  They’re her derby girls!”

Other than amusing the clerk, it made me think, my derby girls?  Then it struck me that Neo’s other definition of grown-ups: They can tell kids what to do.  I’ve told her in the past that referees make sure everyone follows the rules.  As far as Neo is concerned, derby girls are big kids on skates being supervised by grown-ups in black and white shirts.  It’s just a taller, faster version of pre-school.

Once we got to practice, I let Neo sit and watch the girls do some rule scenarios while I put the ice packs away.  Seeing the disarray of our medical supplies, I got absorbed in chucking empty packages and expired medications, and repacking things more efficiently.  Neo watched the players intently.  My previous hypothesis on her views were confirmed.  She crept up to me and whispered, “Mommy!  One of the derby girls said a bad word!”

“What did she say?”

“She said STUPID! Are you going to put her in the box for a time-out?”

“No, she wasn’t calling another person stupid.  She was calling a problem with a rule stupid.”

“Oh.”  Neo wandered back to watch the skaters do drills, more impressed.  Apparently, to a five-year-old, derby girls are bad ass because they can say a bad word without going to the box!

Hoebo Peep * #B33R * Skate Free or Die All-Stars & Granite Skate Troopers

Ghost hunting… talk to me!  I’ve began ghost hunting in 2007 with high school friends.  One night we hid in the woods behind Gilson Cemetery in Nashua and scared strangers who visited the cemetery. One of the strangers that night was Rachel Arnold who is now my best friend and founder of Paranormal Activity Research Team of New Hampshire (PART-NH for short)  I joined PART-NH in 2008 and have been ghost hunting with this group ever since. We have been all over New England, and have had some PRETTY freaky experiences. Ask and I shall tell! We go with whoever is interested in coming. Check us out! We always welcome new comers!

As many of our ladies are, you are quite talented.  A singer/guitarist I’m told, who performs regularly.  Where do you perform?  How long have you been singing? What kind of stuff do you do?  Please elaborate.  (And can we come and see you and cheer you on?)  I’ve been playing guitar and singing for a few years now.  All self taught. I picked both up towards the end of high school and into the beginning of college. I have also been playing drums since the age of 12. There is a smorgasbord of instruments just hanging about the house. My friends and family make the joke, “Chances are you, if you ask her to play it, SHE CAN!”  My friend Rachel and I perform twice a week. On Sunday evenings after open skate we play in Nashua, at Penuche’s. Also, on Tuesday evenings after practice we play at Stumble Inn, which is located in North Londonderry. On Friday nights you can find us at my house with our friends playing music and doing karaoke. COME ON OVER!  Every once in a great while we play at the Hudson V.F.W. just for fun. Everyone is ALWAYS welcome to watch and/or join in! We do ALL kinds of music. The Sky is the limit in our eyes. Tell us what you wanna hear, and we’ll play it!

My stealthy Ninja… you have mad skills… so awesome in fact that the Queen City Cherry Bombs awarded you the “Crouching Blocker, Hidden Jammer” award.  CONGRATS!  A lot of people have praised you very highly.  ”Excelled” is a word often used.  ”Works her ass off” another common phrase.  If you don’t mind, talk about this awesomeness.   My true inspiration for skating was my mother. She was an artistic skater as a child, and she LOVED it. When I was four she began to teach me, and I couldn’t stay away from it! Eventually I traded my Little Mermaid quads in for roller blades! Once middle school hit, I became completely addicted to aggressive inline skating. This continued until I was 23 when I found DERBY. Or Derby found me, I should say. Just a little different than what i was used to . “Works her ass off”, right… YES! You could say I beat myself up until I get it right! I am very honored to receive such an award and I’m grateful to all of the lovely NHRD girls who have helped me improve my derby skills. None of my accomplishments this past season could have been possible without them by my side.

Derby girls have a very “rough and tough” persona, but we are a lot deeper than that. Some things I’ve heard about you are:  Family oriented. Very close to your mom; she got you interested in derby (and might even tryout for NHRD someday!)  Not conceited or judgmental. All that and a home health care worker by day too!  These are amazing qualities in a person. Your family must be proud of you.  You betcha I’m family oriented! My Mum will definitely be a part of the league! Her goal is to be a member of the Ref Crew one day soon! I found out about derby however, from Helen Carnate! I saw her skating at an open skate one Sunday. A friend back home told me about the league, so I approached her with questions about derby and it took off from there! I owe Helen my world for introducing me to NHRD! I am probably the least judgmental person you’ll ever meet. I see potential in every person. There is just no reason not to.

You’re a kickass force to be reckoned with on the track, and a loving, caring soul to the outside world.  How do you keep it all in balance? And when do you have time to ghost hunt and perform? There are only so many hours in the day!  I function best when kept busy! I’m always on the go and have become great at managing my time…on most occasions . I don’t know how I still don’t own a calendar. I work early mornings, then have practice. The nights I’m not performing after practice, I go ghost hunting (weather permitting). The few hours I have during the week not devoted to this, you can find me volunteering my time at the Hudson V.F.W. with my mum, working out, painting, or what have you. I’ve been doing so much for so long it feels weird when I actually have a day to sit and veg. So weird, I usually get up and find something to do. Being active is very important to me. It keeps me happy and healthy! 

You obviously have an interest in fashion, as you are quite the trendsetter.  Is that just a hobby, or something you considered pursuing on a professional level? Or does that part of you go along with the performer in you?  Trendsetter you say?! I do have a very big interest in fashion and I have considered pursuing it on a professional level. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the time as of right now. I do manage to find the time to sketch and design clothing. I am also very interested in hair and makeup as well. High fashion is definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. It’s a passion I hope to pursue one day.

I’m exhausted just talking to you Hoebo… or is it Peep?!  You are not only an asset to NHRD, you are an asset to everyone who comes in contact with you! 

Guess who? ME.

Fun fact: I am the greatest. I devote most of my time ensuring that I am the greatest and making sure that other people know it too. I don’t need to cite any references – it’s just the cold, hard truth. You might say, “Oh I thought Muhammad Ali was the greatest” or “What about Cat Power? Once, she wanted to be the greatest.” If you are thinking these things I must tell you that you have been woefully misinformed. I don’t need to justify my greatness to you, but I will because you have an annoyed look on your face and both of your eyes rolled out of your head onto the floor like Halloween meatballs.

The evidence: When I wake up in the morning, I look like this:

I made the flower crown myself, naturally.

Small, cheerful woodland animals help me get dressed in the morning while singing happy tunes about the weather. I walk outside my front door into the sunshine and all the townspeople milling about drop what they’re doing to perform an elaborate song-and-dance number. They sing a Broadway version of LL Cool J’s “Around the Way Girl,” not because the song describes me in any way but because they know it’s my favorite LL Cool J song. A jovial baker hands me a powdered doughnut and I eat the whole thing without getting any powdered sugar on my perfectly tailored vintage dress. This is all because I’m the greatest, in case you forgot.

I skip to work and when I open the door to the office there’s a hurricane of papers flying around and workers are screaming at the coffee maker, “Why is it taking so long? Caffeine, you’re my only friend!” The boss comes up to me and says, “You’re our only hope! We have an impossible problem!” I wiggle my nose and reply, “Don’t worry, I got this!” and then I wink. I sit down at my desk, tweefully decorated with little hand-painted figures of owls, and press two keys on my keyboard. “Sir, I think I’ve solved your problem!” The boss claps his hands, slicks back his comb-over, and says, “Bravo! 50% raise for you! Thank goodness you’re here!” What a guy! Maybe my boss is the greatest? Psych! JUST KIDDING I AM THE GREATEST!

Twee office supplies are great too.

Other important information to know about the greatest:
-I only eat organic, raw food lovingly farmed by the family up the street.
-Every room in my apartment has been featured on Design*Sponge at some point.
-The President has me on speed dial.
-I’m a Sartorialist regular.
-When I think happy thoughts, I actually fly.

Ugh, why did you put your eyes back in your sockets if they’re just going to roll out again? Stop dry heaving! All of this information is important to know because I am actually none of those things. In fact, even though I live in the NH wilderness I am under the false impression that all woodland animals are rabid. Not fun fact: If there’s an erratic squirrel in your bedroom fumbling with socks, it’s probably rabid. Like all things on this blog, I have to relate this back to roller derby somehow. Bear with me (or go watch youtube videos of kittens – I don’t care).

The point is: In roller derby it doesn’t matter if you are the greatest. It doesn’t matter if you invented a way to have gourmet meals materialize in your microwave. It doesn’t matter if you run a kitten orphanage for wayward kittens. It doesn’t even matter if you are the greatest roller derby player. Roller derby is all about you while simultaneously being not about you at all.

When rollerblades were all the rage.

Your team is the Mighty Morphin Derby Rangers. Your track is Angel Grove, California. Maybe you’re the Green Ranger. You can take on 4 Putties at once without breaking a sweat. [History Lesson: Before the Green Ranger joined up with the rest of the Rangers, he was brainwashed by Rita Repulsa with the intention of being used as an instrument of evil. He is the greatest Ranger to ever kick a Putty in the chest.] Can you alone save your Ranger team from certain death at the hands of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd? No, you need your ranger pals. Even the Pink Ranger, who always gets stuck up against the wall. True, the Pink Ranger kicks ass and she’s fantastically talented outside of evil-fighting, but sometimes she gets kidnapped by Lord Zedd and needs her pals to come save her. Regardless, you need to get on the track and scream, “It’s morphin’ time!” and assemble the Megazord. If you’re not working as a unit, you’re not doing derby right.

This is your lineup Megazord. Go forth and conquer.

Lesson: It doesn’t matter if you have an ego surplus or an ego deficit; everyone needs to get on the same level to achieve victory.

Photos: Millyard Studios, here, here, here, here

Not feeling quite right?  Feeling a little ho-hum?  Think it’s just the post-holiday let down?  Maybe.  But it also could be lack of sunlight, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  One of the easiest ways to help beat the blahs is to get 20 minutes a day of direct sunlight.  So bundle up and go for a walk, a run, or some roller skating and soak up the natural Vitamin D!  (from Hers Muscle and Fitness, January/February 2012)

With all the players and referees whizzing by getting all the attention, there’s a hard working group of folks who seldom get their due: Non-Skating Officials (NSOs).  These fabulous skate-free folks not only perform essential functions to ensure a smooth-running derby bout, they also do it wearing the ugliest, ill-fitting salmon pink polo shirts you’ve ever seen.

Jam Timer

I’m starting with this position because it has a special place in my heart.  When I first joined NHRD, it was the very first job I had in the league.  The jam timer blows the whistles to start the blockers and the jammers for each jam.  They time the jam and blow the ending whistle at two minutes if it isn’t called off early by a Lead Jammer.  The jam timer may also be responsible for taking care of the period clock as well.  These days, it’s usually my fellow blogger, Tiara Misu, whom you will find jam timing at our bouts.

Penalty Box Officials

These charming NSOs are the ones some skaters begin to develop strong relationships with because they see them so often.  The penalty box officials time penalties, ensure skaters enter and leave the box legally, and that order prevails.  This was Tiara Misu’s primary domain last season, and it is now managed by Neon Kaos.

Penalty Trackers, Whiteboarders, and Wranglers

Referees would be useless without these NSOs.  They are the ones you see huddled in the center of the track trying not to get run over by anyone.  The penalty trackers keep a detailed tally of the penalties called on each skater.  They are sometimes called “stats” NSOs.  The whiteboarders keep a more simplified tally of majors and minors on all the players so that referees can know how many minors players have accumulated and players who accumulate enough trips to the box to get ejected.  It is the whiteboarders’ job to signal referees so that the appropriate skaters get sent off the track.  The main whiteboard is in the center of the track, usually expertly overseen by Jitter Rox wearing the most awesome stilettos ever seen on the flat track.

The wrangler is an assistant to the whiteboarders and penalty trackers.  Dixie Cheeks is our current wrangler.  As you may have surmised, roller derby bouts are rather loud.  It can be hard to hear what a ref is yelling when that ref is looking at the players, not the NSOs s/he is talking to.  The wrangler’s job is to chase down refs when a call was missed or to flag a ref down when a skater needs to be sent to the box.  This job probably burns the most calories out of all the NSO positions.

Before I forget them, there are two lonely NSOs stationed by themselves in opposite corners on the outside of the track.  They hold mini whiteboards and take down the penalties of the outside pack refs.  Then they jump up and down until the inside track NSOs spot them and transfer the penalties to the inside whiteboard.  They don’t get much company out there in the boonies, so give them a hug between periods.

Scorekeepers and Scoreboard Operators

This last set of NSOs are above everyone else–literally.  They sit up in a balcony above the players’ benches and look down at the track.  From there, they can clearly see the bout and see the points signaled by the jam refs.  They then get to play with a bunch of cool buttons and make the score appear on the big lighted scoreboard.  Pretty awesome.  Sometimes the scoreboard operator is also in charge of the period clock, so the bird’s eye view is also important for detecting when the period clock needs to be stopped for time-outs.  They also have the prime spot for flirting with the bout announcers.

Whew!  I think that’s everybody.  As you can see, it takes a lot of off-skates work to put on a bout.  Next time you come to an NHRD bout, after you’ve gotten an autograph and a picture with your favorite derby girl, please take a moment to thank an NSO (and tell them they look great in salmon).

I am Game Ovaries, but everyone calls me “Ovie”. I joined NHRD as an NSO (non-skating official) and volunteer in April 2011. Outside of roller derby I am a Visual/Merchandising Associate Manager for a high fashion company. I can work anytime from 5am to mid afternoon, to working overnights from 10pm to 7am. I even have to work weekends (YUCK!). When I’m not working, I’m hanging out with my friends. Going to shows, movies, bowling, just having a good time. I recently rekindled my hobby of painting.  Other than hanging out with friends and painting here and there, I have no other hobbies or after-work activities. I’ve tried to be active after work, but that never really went according to plan. I blame reality TV shows and snack foods. So as you can see I needed something to fill my not-so-exciting afternoons up. Roller derby it was!

I became fascinated with the sport after watching the movie “Whip It”. I know, I know… I’m sure this may sound cliche but I was in awe while watching the scenes of these women slamming into each other, speeding and passing by their opponents and just knocking players down. I was hooked. I looked up roller derby videos of real life leagues. I watched videos of bouts, wipe outs and even skating techniques. It was as if my eyes were glued to the screen of my computer.  I wanted more! One day I came across the New Hampshire Roller Derby league website. I researched what it took to be a skater and I thought “Hey, I could do this. I want to do this! I can learn to skate and be like these women. I want to play roller derby!”.

I participated in the NHRD tryouts back in January of 2011, and did not advance to Freshmeat Training. Believe me, it was a blessing in disguise! I had only skated maybe all of 4-5 times before tryouts and was truly inexperienced. Even after not making it through the next step of training, I decided that I would continue to skate at local rinks to get more skating experience. Another reason to keep skating was because I had just spent $200 on a skating package. $200 is $200! I couldn’t just let that money go down the drain. I bought the works: skates, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards and a mouth guard. Where else would I wear all that gear?! I could’ve just left the items to collect dust but I was determined! Determined to learn how to skate… and to become a roller girl!

Some members of the referee and NSO crew, summer 2011

This past year has opened my eyes to a world of opportunities for myself with New Hampshire Roller Derby. Only a year has past by and A LOT has happened for me! I’ve learned how to skate and I’m not to shabby at it! Other than gaining skating experience, I’ve met and became acquainted with the skaters, refs and NSO’s in the league. This year has been a huge stepping stone for me. I’ve overcome a lot of obstacles but have so many more challenges still ahead of me. I will be blogging about my past year as an NSO, the ups and downs of being a freshmeat skater, people who have influenced and pushed me along the way and anything else that comes to my rookie mind!

Ah, New Year’s!  To me, New Year’s = Resolutions.  And what’s the biggest resolution of them all?  Getting in shape.  As NHRD starts a new season, I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog with health and wellness tips, exercise suggestions, etc.  Personally, I have too many diet books, fitness magazines, exercise DVDs, and sessions with a personal trainer to speak of.  I figure I might as well share the knowledge – and maybe even take my own advice!

One of the best, most efficient lower-body exercises is the SQUAT.  It’s easy to do and you can make it simple or more difficult just by adding weights or changing the position of your legs and feet.  One of my “favorites” (OK, like any exercise can BE a favorite), is the Plie Squat.  It’s a great thigh and core workout.

How to do the Plie Squat – courtesy of bodybuilding.com  (Although the description below includes the use of a weight, it is not necessary; your body weight alone will give you a challenge). Hold a dumbbell at the base with both hands and stand straight up. Move your legs so that they are wider than shoulder width apart from each other with your knees slightly bent.

1. Your toes should be facing out. Note: Your arms should be stationary while performing the exercise. This is the starting position.
2. Slowly bend the knees and lower your legs until your thighs are parallel to the floor. Make sure to inhale as this is the eccentric part of the exercise.
3. Press mainly with the heel of the foot to bring the body back to the starting position while exhaling.
4. Repeat (I usually do 3 sets of 12-15 reps, resting briefly between sets)

Caution: Failure to keep your back straight can result in back injury.  Keep the core (abdominal muscles) tight as this will help to protect the back.

For more information, watch a video and see photos here.

Guess what’s happening? NHRD is going to strap on the skates and rue the day we ever ate that entire plate of cookies at Christmas. Not that I did that or anything. I just know someone who did. Ugh, listen, the cookies were just sitting there saying “Eat me!” and at first I thought it was weird that the cookies were talking to me but then I realized it was a sign. And I ate every last one of them. I’m changing my name to Cookie Slayer. Kidding! I’m not. Fresh Meat, you can have that derby name. Actually, no you can’t – it’s too similar to someone else’s name. Story of your life, right? I’m so sorry.

Anyway, back to us putting on skates and sweating out the eggnog. We’re going to start skating heavily and that means hydrating heavily. Generally, if you’re going to go balls-to-the-wall at practice, you’ll want to be drinking water all day. If you can’t do that, you can start squirreling away water by drinking it a couple hours before practice. Benefits of hydration include: staying cool, keeping energy levels up, and more endurance. Sports drinks are a good idea for some people because they can contain carbs and electrolytes to keep you going.

Actually, I can’t even pretend like I’m writing a helpful blog anymore. I just wanted to post my poem about Gatorade. Here it is:

Ode to the ‘Ade
By Maxine Kerosene, age 25

I had a thirst that I could not escape.
I needed a beverage with a flavor of grape.
A Misty at Dairy Queen! Away I will go!
I drank it too fast; brain freeze! Oh no!
Well maybe I should just eat the blasted fruit!
I chewed and chewed but was still thirsty to boot!
Grape soda, who loves you?
I do, I do I do-oo!
I drank you but my thirst only grew.
And then I saw the bottle in the 7-11.
The light shown upon it, descended from heaven.
Fine! It wasn’t from heaven. More like fluorescent fixtures.
Look, cut it out. You get the picture.
No, I understand “fixture” and “picture” don’t perfectly rhyme.
I’m trying to tell a story here while wasting your time.
Anyway, there it was: Grape Gatorade.
“What? This exists?” My day had been made.
I chugged from the bottle and it was just what I needed.
After searching high and low, I had finally succeeded.
I think more people would get on the Gatorade bus
If the company sponsored us.

Back to helpful things based on anecdotal evidence: Once upon a time I was a wee fresh meatball and I thought it would be a grand idea to eat the General Tso Chicken combo plate for lunch before practice. This was and still is a horrible idea. Do you know what the General Tso Chicken combo plate can do to your taste buds? It will send them straight to Happy Town. Do you know how much sodium is in the General Tso Chicken combo plate? So much sodium that you could season 3 meals! More sodium than that Stouffer’s microwave meal languishing in the office fridge! Do you know what sodium can do? Basically it wreaks havoc on your blood pressure and causes weird water retention. Later that night, halfway through practice I noticed that my hands were swelling up inside my wrist guards. Ouch! My hand looked like a makeshift balloon made from a rubber glove. Thanks a lot, sodium! I ended up sitting out the rest of practice with my weird balloon hands because they wouldn’t even fit in my wrist guard anymore. Don’t call me a baby! “Balloon hands” is a serious affliction.

Like this, except less happy.

What have we learned today?

1. Drinking water is important.
2. I shouldn’t quit my day job to pursue poetry.
3. Do not eat a mountain of salt before practice.